When couples fight they unintentionally cause long-term harm to their relationship. Instead of resolving the conflict and improving the positive thoughts and feelings for each other they end up with unresolved negative outcomes. This can lead to feelings of disconnection and eventually marriage breakdown.
These are the four biggest mistakes couples make when trying to communicate.
1. Using Extreme Statements
Extreme statements do not help to improve communication and don’t solve problems. They will only serve to increase your partner’s defensiveness and resentment towards you.
Ask yourself “what is it like when my partner says extreme statements like that to me?” Cringe worthy statements like “You always put yourself first, before me”, or “You never listen to me, you just do whatever you want to do.” are not going to be helpful.
Try to get your point across more carefully. What you might say instead is “I feel like you have left me alone all night and I miss you.”
2. Making Threats
Usually when someone makes threats they have reached a point of desperation and need change right now. A typical threat is “I’ve had enough, if you don’t change I’m leaving.”
Unfortunately threats are not generally taken seriously and may have a hollow ring to them because there is usually no follow through. This is particularly true at the early stage in the relationship when both partners may not have given up on the relationship enough to leave it. A word of caution however, your partner may not actually be that far off leaving.
If threats are used over a long period of time and feature in most arguments it can wear people down. This leads to entrenched negative feelings and will shut down effective communication.
3. Ignoring past issues
Often in an argument, one partner will bring up unresolved past issues. The operative word here is ‘unresolved’. These may well come up in your fights, again and again. The point may be valid but the method leads to major defensiveness on the part of your partner…ie a new problem.
The key of course is to deal with these past issues once and for all. Bringing up past issues doesn’t happen because one person has a good memory, it happens because the current argument is a strong reminder of the unresolved past issue. It is often the same issue is disguise.
Current issues then get lost when past events are brought up. It will appear that the unresolved issue creates a distraction from the current issues and causes a circular argument that has no useful conclusion.
The solution is to stay focused on finally dealing the past issues; this may even resolve the current issue. It will most definitely give you a better understanding of your partner’s point of view and help future disagreements by not dragging up the past.
4. Using Guilt to Influence Your Partner
Using guilt to get what you want often ends up causing even more problems. An example of using guilt could be “if you really cared about us, you would not work so many hours and spend more time with me.”
If used often your partner will eventually feel resentment, unappreciated and used up. This is likely to increase feelings of disconnection.
Don’t argue your way to new problems…
It is important to be aware that these communications mistakes will cause long-term negatives outcomes for your relationship.
If you both avoid using extreme statements, making threats, using guilt and seriously work on resolving past issues then you have a good chance of finally feeling connected again. It goes without saying that better communication will improve the quality and strength of your marriage.