Good communication in a marriage is not something that just happens simply because two people want it to happen. Good communication is a skill and like any other, it only improves with commitment, a good mindset and constant practice, preferably with the co-operation of your partner.
Like learning any new skill, when you practice these steps they will initially feel awkward, cumbersome, not quite right, unnatural, that they don’t work or even confusing to you both.
However, it is through practice that it will all come together… your thoughts, your intentions, your feelings, your brain and critically what comes out of your mouth…. but it requires a commitment to practice.
The five steps…
Step 1. Don’t run away with assumptions
Find out what is really going on. Do a reality check.
There are two big things that get in the way of good communication.
First: Assumptions about the problem or issue. You simply know what your partner is feeling or thinking, without the benefit of a reality check.
Second: The trouble occurs because whether the response is defense or attack it is based entirely on that assumption
The easiest way to do a “reality check” is to ask these questions…
1. “What is your experience of this issue or problem so that I can understand what’s going on for you?”
2. “Why do you think that I might be upset?”
3. “So you have this experience and I have that experience, where’s the disparity?”
4. “Where do you think things went wrong?”
5. “What is it in our communication?”
6. “What do you think is happening?”
Lastly you can state…“This is what I am thinking and feeling…”
The questions asked have the effect of inviting the other person to share their reality with you instead of attacking you. This approach uses emotional intelligence to stop the situation from escalating.
Step 2. Always try to use a neutral tone
No matter what is going on emotionally for you.
Really work hard at “emotional containment”. Here you’re not ignoring your emotions, instead you are containing them long enough to decide what to do with them. The more “charged” the tone you have in your voice, the greater the likelihood that your partner will invoke a defensive reaction, or a counter attack. Therefore, really try hard to use your voice in a neutral way, no matter how upset you are.
For example, you could say this to your partner, “I am really upset right now, and I want to stay calm and have a productive conversation with you, but it is really difficult because I am so upset. Let me tell you why I am so upset…”
Step 3. Use the “I” at the beginning of your sentence
In managing both conflict and differences as they show up in a relationship, it is important to use “I” statements.
What not to do… “You had a go at me, you put me down in front of the kids. That made me really angry, who do you think you are?” This approach will definitely escalate the conflict. You will not defuse the situation with that type of statement. Your goal should always be to diminish the conflict.
A better way… “I experience the comment that you made to me this morning as really demeaning. They may not have been your intention, and it may just have slipped out of your mouth, but I found it really, really upsetting. And then I got angry and I withdrew. I didn’t want to have anything to do with you for the past two days ‘cause I didn’t know how to deal with it. And I would just really appreciate it if you would just talk to me in a respectful way and have a mutually loving relationship.”
Step 4. Understand the difference between assertive communication and aggressive communication
An example of assertive communication is saying, “The way we are sharing our parenting responsibilities is disappointing because I thought that we had an agreement that we both were going to be equal in taking care of the kids. I have been feeling let down, and I really need you to honour the agreements that we make, ‘cause I need to know that we are equals in this marriage and that I can count on you to do your part.”
As opposed to aggressive communication such a “Well you said that you were going to step up and do more of the house work and do more with the kids. What have you done, and look what do I have to do – hold your hand and show you what to do each time.”
In this example, it is easy to see how the other partner is going to feel attacked, which is likely to result in them withdrawing either physically from you, or within themselves.
This is not an outcome that you would be wanting because ultimately, the connection between you as a couple diminishes and the relationship suffers.
Step 5. Don’t use “should” statements on your partner
As soon as you start saying to your partner that… “You should” (pointing your finger of course!), your partner is highly likely to shut down and become defensive.
A more effective and respectful way to say it is… “Have you thought about doing such and such”, or “I wonder if you could came home early two nights a week and you start dinner;” or “I would really appreciate it if you did such and such”, instead of saying “You really should be doing this or that.”
It’s a way of letting your partner know that you are a team member with these matters. So don’t SHOULD on your partner.
The wrong goal is to resolve the conflict, the right goal is to make the process work.
Remember, all good things in life take effort, and believe it or not, the reward itself is in the effort. Some couples need a little direction to get it right and this is where marriage counselling will help.