How do two people who once loved each other, and shared so much in life together such as buying a house, having children, holidays, illness, caring for each other, being involved with each others extended family, etc, end up being unhappy in their relationship to the extent where they do or are prepared to divorce?
When looked at closely, most divorces in Australia can be traced back to an “emotional disconnection” between two people who once loved each other.
More often than not, one person within the marriage will explain that they simply “grew apart” over the years of life together.
Some people may have told their partner about this feeling of unhappiness at different times, but nothing came of their comment.
Often the other partner may not have noticed this “distancing” and “unhappiness” process occurring. And if they had some level of awareness about something not being quite right, they did not fully understand nor appreciate what was actually occurring between them.
The slow build…
“Emotional disconnection” is not something that occurs overnight. Instead it occurs incrementally over many years. It is a slow burn issue. And it frequently happens to two very good people, who are often just busy doing all the right things in life i.e. working, taking care of the kids, etc.
Indeed it is the slow pace of the process that makes it difficult for couples to identify the small distancing steps and actions that occur between them.
Couples who are feeling “emotionally disconnected” do not fully understand the problems they are experiencing, but they do acknowledge that something is wrong in their marriage and they need help to address their situation.
By the time “emotional disconnection” is finally recognized by at least one partner, and is stated as a problem that needs attention, it is actually a real and serious problem.
Many things can play a role in this process. Although communication is the usual suspect, it’s only when it is combined with the daily grind of earning an income, children, house renovations, in-laws, insufficient finances, illness, gender differences, just to name a few issues, that it comes together to create a wedge between a couple.
Emotional connection and communication are the two, intimately blended and vital aspects of a relationship.
When couples are communicating well, they always feel emotionally connected. Hold that thought while you read and consider the following.
The real problem, the cart and the horse…
What most couples do not realise is that the problem is not the ‘lack of communication skills’, instead the “real problem” is about the “emotional disconnection” that exists between the couple.
Simply put, couples are not “emotionally disconnected” because they are not good at communicating, they actually have poor communication because they are “emotionally disconnected” from each other.
Essentially, it’s a twist on the logic of what good communication is commonly considered.
When did this happen…?
Couples do not begin their relationship with this difficulty already existing between them.
In fact early in a relationship communication, intimacy and emotional connection is both easy and natural. Couples can talk with each other for hours, with each showing a keen interest in the other, and always providing care and respect for the other.
However when couples reflect back over the years of their relationship, they can easily recognize the mistakes they made. They can also give more credit to the small warning signs that they chose to ignore hoping that somehow their relationship will improve and life would go on.
Couples typically do not see the relentless erosion of intimacy and connection that occurs over time.
The erosion evolves as a couple fulfills life’s demands and responsibilities, financial obligations, family matters, realizing career ambitions, and chasing their own agendas.
They feel that they are no longer “on the same page” and have taken their eye off the intimacy needs of their marriage. Essentially, the intimate desire for each other begins to fade, love can die, resentments develop, anger appears, and loneliness for one partner becomes apparent.
10 Steps for “Emotional Reconnection”
All is not lost however, and there are some actions that couples can do to support reconnection with each other.
1. The goal for each partner is the marriage itself, i.e. to build a close and loving relationship that is based on action, not just words
2. To have a clear and intentional desire for connection with each other
3. Actively seeking an understanding of each others perspectives and experiences on all matters
4. Holding the belief in the front of your mind that your partner is a good and reasonable person
5. Developing a harmonious relationship that is based on trust and mutual shared values
6. Spending time enjoying doing things together
7. Maintaining a good sense of openness with each other
8. Maintaining mutual respect and appreciation of each other
9. Developing your emotional awareness of self and other
10. Regulating your own emotional state as you both communicate with each other
Always remember that the true value lies in the effort that you each bring to the relationship.
It is always worthwhile seeking some guidance from a qualified and experienced ‘couples counsellor’ who will help to clarify your thoughts and feelings, as well as to develop strategies and skill sets to reconnect with each other.