Intimacy…everybody wants it, not everyone can achieve it. The desire to express and experience intimacy is a natural human desire, yet many relationships are starved of this at different times throughout the relationship.
When couples first come together intimacy is sensational and each person carries the expectation that it will last forever. Some couples however experience a lack of intimacy after a short time together. The sad reality is that many couples do not know how to reclaim this valuable aspect of their relationship.
Expressing and experiencing intimacy takes many shapes and forms, but the real challenge is finding a way to establish intimacy as a primary and ongoing characteristic of the relationship. Few couples realise that great relationships come ‘dressed-up in overalls’ and look a bit like hard work.
Intimacy is possible to learn as we go along and people are likely to make mistakes in the process. The lessons of intimacy begin in our formative years, our first teachers were our parents. If you were to inquire of others whether they desire the same relationship as that of their parents, few people would say yes. The rest is learned from what we observe and experience in society.
Problems with intimacy arise when it is used as a form of equity transaction where a give and take mentality operates. This approach almost guarantees couples will never reach a deep level of intimacy with each other.
To be truly intimate with another, one must freely give of themselves at a deep level, it is about allowing your core self to join with another. This is a time where both people openly bare their heart and soul to the other, and a time of total acceptance by another for the person you are right now.
When a couple become authentically intimate, an emotional fusion is created and a deeper relationship is formed. The only way to achieve this level of intimacy occurs when a person truly knows themselves. Knowing oneself has long been recognised as one of the most difficult tasks for any person to arrive at.
Four key points to remember about intimacy…
1. Intimacy is something we can learn as we go.
2. Relationships require work and effort
3. Couples need to learn how to find intimacy
4. With intimacy a deeper relationship is formed.
People need closeness as much as other basic human needs such as food, water and shelter. This is not a need specific to a single age or cultural group, but is a need across all aspects of our lives. Without intimacy we suffer greatly and our suffering occurs in isolation. For many couples, marriage counselling has helped to start the journey back to having an intimate relationship.