Having been a marriage counsellor for many years, it would seem that most couples are indeed opposite to each other on many things and surprisingly many couples are okay.
In fact most marriage counsellors would say that it is not the differences between couples that cause the problems. It is not simply a matter being opposite to the other that creates the negatives.
Why can difference be a problem
Although there are a number of reasons why couples struggle with differences , there are three main reasons why differences become a problem in a relationship.
Reason 1. Imposing opinion
Serious conflict can occur when one person imposes their opinion or particular difference onto the other. The problem magnifies if it is a global imposition and will be made even worse if it is done without respectful consideration of the other.
Reason 2. In the process of leaving
When one person is in the process of emotionally leaving the relationship and they no longer look at their partner in the same way that they once used to.
Reason 3. Grown apart
Growing apart, one partner’s life path has grown in a different direction to the other. This causes a greater gap if the other partner does not support, accommodate or appreciate their partner’s growth.
Problems increasing the Opposite gap
1. The persons level of maturity
2. The goals shared in life
3. Your personal values
4. Cultural background
5. Family background
6. Care and consideration of the other, as well as
7. The level of love they hold for each other.
What works and what doesn’t
In a good relationship, it each person has a healthy level of maturity they will accommodate difference. They will even celebrate the differences, rather than treating the differences as a threat in some way.
Although it is usually not a conscious decision, some people find themselves attracted to their exact opposite, to a person who can compensate for weaknesses the other has.
An example would be when an introverted person (someone who is happy with a limited social circle) gets together with an extroverted person (someone who interacts easily and has many friends)
Initially an introverted person will show signs that they enjoy the social interactions, and will be quite agreeable to the extravert’s outward looking lifestyle. However, in time the social life for the introverted person becomes just hard work for them and they begin to do less and less of the social interactions.
At this point the introverted person tends to slowly close down the social qualities of the extroverted person. The risk in this situation is that eventually this leads to the extroverted person loosing an important aspect of themselves should they fit in with the introverted persons lifestyle.
These couples will eventually experience a big learning curve about their relationship, the other person and themselves, at the time when children come along as the relationship strains under the changes and challenges that children bring to a marriage
Getting through the tough times
While many couples may not do well in the learning curve, those couples who do learn healthy relationship skills such as effective communication, conflict resolution, respect and care of each other, tend to go on and form very strong and powerful relationship.
The couples that enjoy a healthy relationship also have a good understanding their own needs and importantly, the needs of their partner.
What makes these couples successful with their marriage is that they go that extra step to ensure that their partner achieves the needs they seek
For example, a person who embraces creativity and spontaneity in their life forms a relationship with someone who likes to be organized and plans everything they do. Through the course of life, these differences tend to become more and more difficult to accommodate and lead to chronic conflict.
The creative and spontaneous person needs a sense of freedom and support in order to thrive, while the organized person may want a safe and conservative approach to life in order to feel good.
The differences that show-up here can either enhance the relationship or lead to a life of conflict together. If you can find ways for both of you to have your needs met within the relationship, then your marriage can truly thrive.
The positives of difference
Where differences do matter most are with the values, morals and ethics that we each have. These aspects have to be aligned with each other in order to have a strong and loving marriage
An example of this is where you have one person who holds honesty and truth high in their value system and they form a relationship with a person who is fine with telling ‘small white lies’ just to make life a little easier. A couple with this gap in values is not likely to have a long loving life together. If this couple were to remain together, then the honest person would have to sacrifice important aspects of them, which will eventually lead to unhappiness.
Can it work?
There are generally no right or wrong attractions between couples. Being attracted to an ‘opposite’ person to yourself can be exciting and different at first. Problems will show-up over the course of years and create many challenges.
If your partner is too different to you on many things, and sees the world in a radically different way to you, then it will be difficult for you to constantly come up against the differences as well as to negotiate your way through these differences at every turn in life’s journey together.
When couples find themselves at a stuck point in their marriage, a positive action they can take is to seek the help of a marriage and relationship counsellor to assist them to navigate that particular tricky time where you can learn the skills to strengthen your marriage.
No matter what the type of person you are, all people have to learn how to respect and value the differences that each partner brings to the marriage.
Overall, our marriage counsellors have found that people who are similar to each other do experience life together to be a little easier. These couples are better able to understand and support each other because they have a better sense of what the other is thinking and feeling, what their emotional needs and wants are in life. Most importantly, they respect, value and accommodate each other’s differences.