Most couples find the challenge is harder then expected
Navigating the ups and downs in marriage is one thing but when baby arrives life, as you once knew it is forever different. With baby comes a whole range of interesting behavioural changes and attitude adjustments required by the new father and the new mother.
Talking about some of these issues prior to having a child can help. However many of the challenges couples face, don’t become evident until after the baby has arrived. By then reality has really taken hold of the new parents lives and they begin to gain a full appreciation of what lies ahead.
For many couples the upheaval is dramatic. The reasons for this are varied but a main culprit is the loss of intimacy in the months following baby’s arrival.
Intimacy that you once enjoyed as a couple is now “put on the back burner”, becoming lost, or a distant memory, even forgotten about altogether. It is almost entirely due to that huge load of responsibility that we commonly refer to as ‘parenting’.
There are many factors that affect a marriage which come into play once a baby has arrived and each one individually may have a huge impact on the level of intimacy between new parents. Some of these influences women alone have to struggle with, others are shared.
1. Like changes to the body that pregnancy and childbirth have caused.
2. Financial stress brought about by the loss of one income, or
3. There may be a lack of extended family support.
Alternatively, there may be interference by well meaning family members, or the house and living condition may not be able to accommodate another person. The father typically feels the responsibility of becoming the main ‘provider’ and begins to work longer hours to earn more money or to ensure security of employment.
New parents often feel stripped back to their bare selves and question what really is important in life, who they are and where are they going in their life.
The impact on new parent’s lives brought about by the new baby are typically absorbed by they couple as they become caught up with the ‘treadmill of life’. Couples all too often, do not talk about how they are being affected as they feel little can be done to change their circumstances so they simply ‘suck it up’.
Parenting seems to have a natural way of causing each person to begin to live in separate worlds to each other, and for all the right reasons. Ultimately, this is where the problems begin to get a hold in the marriage as neither person talks about the matters they are grappling with. Their worlds begin to create separateness between them and it can feel impossible to prevent it from happening.
Couples need to talk about the changes that are occurring to them. Such as the emotional and physical problems they are experiencing, about their environmental concerns such as housing, extended family and finances.
Working on communication skills is the best way to ensure issues don’t become major problems. Making sure each person feels valued and listened to. This will create a positive environment for the future
A strong recommendation is for both partners to always, always, always be reading books or articles on relationships and or personal development combined with discussing the points of interest with each other. This provides an exposure to knowledge, words and stories about other couples experiences that will help to talk more openly about their challenges.
An important action would be to attend marriage education classes as a couple or attend marriage counselling in order to gain knowledge and skills necessary to sustain a loving marriage and family.