Learning from the couples who succeed in marriage counselling
What to DO…and not to do
1. Successful couples see counselling sessions as a process, rather than a quick fix. They understand that long-standing issues are not going to be resolved in a few sessions. The steady road is the sure one.
2. They ‘don’t fight it’… They are prepared to listen to the negatives about themselves. It’s not easy but they don’t get defensive. Successful couples are able to hear the expertise and advice from the counsellor. Like it or not.
3. They determine the likelihood of a positive outcome with the effort they put in…they do the ‘homework’ for example.
4. They don’t cancel future counselling sessions as soon as things start feeling better. Possibly one of the biggest differences between couples who get through their issues and the ones who don’t.
5. They do not look for blame in their partner; seeing that one person is right and the other must be wrong can be unhelpful and short sighted.
When is counselling least successful?
There are a few situations in which counselling is unlikely to resolve issues.
1. If you come to counselling expecting the counsellor to agree with your ‘side’ of the story and disagree with your partner.
2. If you want the counsellor to say your partner is wrong and you are right.
3. If you have an inability to reflect on your actions and understand how you are responsible for the outcomes, intended or not, as a result of your behaviour. Without this ability to reflect, change is unlikely to appear necessary and is therefore sadly rare.
4. Looking to blame others for all adverse outcomes. This is possibly the least likely situation for counselling to succeed.
What is the risk when you stop counselling too soon?
You may not have delved to the deeper issues yet, if you stop counselling and try to tackle them without counselling you may feel like they have gone back to square one.
It is well worth the effort to look at marriage counselling sessions as a process that needs time to meet the challenges that make change.